Testimony Thursday 3

I never thought I’d have to write something like this and I don’t even know the right words to type in all honesty. But I will share my heart in the best way I can. 

On June 22nd we saw pregnant, directly after our chemical pregnancy on our Anniversary in April. From that moment I prayed protection over my womb daily. I had fears and I had hopes of one day meeting this sweet little baby earth side. 

We’ve been under wonderful care at the Women’s Institute by the best doctor I could ever ask for, I had routine BETA labs and had weekly ultrasounds starting at 5.5 weeks to make sure baby was okay, and it was so beautiful watching this sweet tiny baby grow from a chia seed to this sweet little tiny baby wiggling it’s arms and legs and a heart rate of 184 at the 8.5 week ultrasound. We were released from our sweet doctor we’ve worked with for almost two years on July 30th. With excitement and peace in knowing we were going welcome our sweet miracle baby March 6, 2022. 

The following Friday August 6th, We went in for an ultrasound at my OB here in KM to make sure baby was okay due to some cramping and some other concerns that had arose. 

That day was probably the most heart wrenching day of both Kevin and I’s life. We went in and were expecting to see those little arms and legs wiggling and heart flickering on the screen but we were told our baby had stopped growing at 9weeks and their heart had stopped. “How could this happen, we just heard the heart beat” Kevin said, as the sonographer took measurements of the baby. I laid their helpless and so so broken. We both broke down after the ultrasound, and held each other close in that room, and the way home that evening. I cried in my room aching with pain and can’t help but tear up writing this. “There’s nothing you could have done” the doctor said, “This isn’t your fault” but I couldn’t stop blaming myself. This is so hard and I don’t know if I’ll ever be the same person again. This has shown me that I married the write person, I wouldn’t rather go through this with anyone but Kevin. He’s been so comforting and loving and held me when I’ve screamed and cried myself to sleep. Even on the days that I feel alive one minute and broken the next. 

I’m so thankful I was able to carry this sweet baby for now almost 11 weeks alive and asleep in Jesus. On August 12, 2021 we said see you later. 

We did give the baby a name, to remember her. Kevin and I both thought she was a girl Mila Grace. Mila means Miracle, Soldier and Dear one. This sweet baby was such a miracle and we will never ever forget about her, and seeing that heart grow stronger weekly and see those little arm buds and leg buds wiggle on the screen with joy in our heart and tears in our eyes. I will hold that memory in my heart forever. 

We love you Mila Grace Green, I’m so glad when you open your eyes the first person you will see is Jesus.

#Tara and Kevin Green

Over the years, my kids have

learned to speak openly about our babies that died

through stillbirth and miscarriage. They often ask if I was

able to hold her. They ask how big she was. Recentlv a

friend delivered a baby at 27 weeks. They asked how big

the baby was. And then I let them hold our Angel tree

topper in their hands so they could sense the fragility of

our little babies. You see, years ago, I made this to honor

her. Women graciously handmade a gown for her in the

hospital. They gave me one to take home too. I found a

wooden ball and made the head the same circumference

as her little head. Back then it was to honor her. Now it

helps my kids understand something they weren't present

for. My heart is in awe seeing our Angel atop the tree

and feeling her presence in the holiday. Just like every

other time of year. So to everyone that has donated a

wedding gown or poured love into making Angel gowns for

your local hospitals, I hope you know they are a gift that

keepsbgiving. And if you have your wedding gown in the

closet, please consider donating! www.releasethedovesbook.com

~Jessica Dorrington~

#Manalhamid

Ariella’s story

22nd of august was the day I found out I was pregnant. Completely and utterly shocked because my husband and I were told we needed ivf to have a baby. I knew right then and there Ariella was our miracle baby after nearly 9 years of infertility. My husband and I had started to look into ivf and we talked about seeing someone to start to process. Then our daughter came along, our beautiful miracle. We were beyond happy, and we always wanted a girl. At every appointment we were told she was perfect. She had nothing medically wrong with her and she was always measuring up perfectly. As each week went on she grew bigger and bigger and so did my love for her. I was completely inlove with her from the day I found out I was pregnant. She made me feel so confident, so beautiful and so unbelievably happy. We planned our entire future with her. We set up her nursing and we were so excited to meet her. Then the worst day of our lives. 17th of February 2021. I was 32 weeks pregnant and was going in for a regular checkup appointment. That’s were I learnt that my daughter had passed away. I still remember the look on their faces and no heartbeat was being picked up. I remember walking around the back hallway so I didn’t have to walk back past all the pregnant women in the waiting room. That walk down the hallway towards the ultrasound room was the longest walk. I remember praying over and over and over again “please God let my baby be ok”. But the ultrasound technician confirmed my worst nightmare. My baby was dead. I gave birth to my beautiful Ariella on the 19th of February 2021. She was so beautiful. Tall like her daddy. Beautiful long fingers, a full head of hair and a cute button nose. I even remember hoping she’d have my lips and she did, they were identical to mine. We got to spend time with her but it will never be enough. I always wish I held her longer and took more photos. We have a handful of photos and keepsakes that I will cherish forever.

"On March 9, 2021, our second son Noah Wilde's heart stopped unexpectedly when he was 35 weeks old. "How is this God's plan for us?" This was my first sentence after I heard the words, "I'm sorry there is no heartbeat." This journey hasn't been easy but we keep going because for a Christ-follower, nothing is random. Pain has a purpose.   In the weeks and months after Noah went to be with Jesus, my husband and I learned to embrace God's presence more than answers. Should unanswered questions and pain change our view of God? He is merciful, powerful, righteous, holy, and just - but when life is tough, do we still describe God in the same ways? We've learned through Noah's life that our suffering and longing for having him physically here does have significance. We've learned that how we heal is up to us. Noah has helped refine our faith in God because we have known what it's like to experience affliction and still be faithful. We have known Him through suffering. And praise the Lord that although we grieve, we grieve with hope in the eternal life that is to come.  After Noah went to be with Jesus, we were flooded with support from family, friends, our church community, and even strangers. Everything from messages, food, calls, cards, groceries, to plants. Being encouraged through people we didn't know was powerful. In our darkest season, we could tangibly feel being covered in prayer.  Because we were mentally, emotionally, and spiritually depleted, the prayers we received from others helped sustain us through that season of grief. That is why we decided to offer that hope to other families who have lost a little one.  Mother of Wilde's ministry was founded in Wilmington, North Carolina in 2021 with a mission to give hope to grieving parents after their baby has gone to Heaven.  Mother of Willde creates custom memorial prints to honor your baby. Our remembrance prints tell the story of your baby with thoughtful design and personalized details. All gestational ages can be lovingly printed. Our memorial gifts are a special keepsake for bereaved parents and families that have experienced miscarriage, stillbirth, and infant loss. I pray that each remembrance print will bring some comfort, encouragement, and healing to the family who has lost a loved one.  With every purchase, we donate a portion of our sales to a few faith-based nonprofits in the states. Our efforts and combined missions offer biblical encouragement and support to newly bereaved parents.  As a bereaved mother, I know there's not really a whole lot we can do when someone we love is experiencing this kind of pain and loss. The most important thing we can do is to let them know we care. My hope is that by sending loss parents a custom print that their burden is lifted a little and we can point them to the hope we have in Jesus.  We see the most intimate photos of babies at all gestational ages. Images from homebirths to hospital births. Babies that fit in mom's arms and babies that fit in mom's hand. We marvel at God's creation of His children. His love is woven in the tiniest of details. Babies created with intentionality that continues to point to their Creator.  Every single order that comes into Mother of Wilde gets handled with such intentionality and care. Every single family that orders from us gets abundantly prayed over."  Can you send me a link to where you post this? And we will be happy to share it.  

-Moria Rooney Founder-

Mother of Wilde MOTHEROFWILDE.COM

"For this child we have prayed..."  It was a long, difficult journey to where our family is today.

My husband and I had 6 miscarriages within 5 years of our marriage. We were told by doctors that we should stop trying to have a child, because my body just couldn't handle a full-term pregnancy, so we did. I suffered with depression and spoke to no one about it. Except my husband. He knew the smile was fake. The tears I cried privately every time another friend announced their pregnancy. He saw me withdraw into myself when a stranger shared pictures of their precious and perfect newborns on social media.

God always keeps His Word... 

Our first miracle came in those darkest moments... when I felt hopeless and gave up. The 5th year of our marriage we learned about her. Desperate to not lose this one, too, I began calling the doctor repeatedly. Begging for help to maintain this precious life within my womb. He prescribed some medication and rest. I also prayed while resting... HARD. "This baby is yours, Lord. I will raise them to know and love you. I will take them to church and teach them all about you." The tears poured down my cheeks, as I spoke these words. 5: the number of grace. Sweet Ava Grace changed our lives forever. She changed the world around her. My husband realized he needed to fix the brokenness in his life, too. He joined Celebrate Recovery; as did her grandparents. True healing began in our family. 

Close to her second birthday we found out that we were expecting again and were overjoyed, but we were nervous of telling anyone but our family. I developed a hemorrhage that progressively got worse...That baby, too, joined the angels in heaven at the beginning of my second trimester, due to those complications with my pregnancy. We were heartbroken. I withdrew from everyone, but continued to go half heartedly to church (because I had told God that I would) and battled with depression again for several months. I was told by an amazingly beautiful and loving sister from my church family, while at a church event that we would have another baby when my body was ready, and that it would be a boy... I wish I could say that I received it well, but I didn't.

I didn't know what to think..... After so many losses, I was terrified to go through pregnancy again. Terrified of losing yet another angel. BUT GOD.... (my favorite phrase) had other plans....

The promise of a healthy, precious, baby boy was fulfilled in July 2019. 

God hears our cries. He walks with us and holds us in our darkest moments of loss and grief. He loves us SO much more than we could ever imagine! Let it out. Talk with Him. Tell Him how much it hurts. Let the Comforter do what He does best! Let go and let God! He is our good, good Father. He ALWAYS KEEPS HIS PROMISES!

~Alicia Sweeney~

So, the night of December 28, 2022 my fiancé and I were driving home from Rock Hill, SC back to our apt in Matthews like any other night. Well, on our drive back, it was about 10:15pm, dark out, and next thing we know we slam into the back of a car. The car was just parked in a middle lane on I-77. Before my fiancé could move or anything it was way too late. I remember feeling immense pain. I was 8 months pregnant and terrified, I also felt a shooting pain in my right leg. When I looked down, my right leg was twisted to the left. Later come to find out I shattered my pelvis and broke my hip. I also would find out in a little bit, I lost my sweet baby boy Mateo at 34 weeks. We were rushed to the ER & doctors confirmed I lost my baby boy. What would ensue was 3 major surgeries, one being an emergency c section, and 10 days at the hospital. I would trade all the physical pain I was gling through for my baby boy back. He was 5 lbs and 12 ozs of pure perfection. 100%. I won’t be able to walk for 3 months or drive for 3 months. But we buried our boy Monday the 9th, it’s been a week, wow. I miss him so micj daily, I know God somehow has a purpose for all of this. Im just trusting in him. But I knlw I will always honor and love my sweet boy. 

~Joanny Rodriguez Bolick~

(Mateos mommy)

Hazel Rose,
It's been a year since I said Hello and Goodbye to you, my sweet angel. You are my 6th grandchild, and I was so excited to meet you, to see your smiles and hear your little girl giggles, to feel your hugs and kisses, but it wasn't meant to be. We lost you at 17 weeks. I laid you in that beautiful tiny wrap and handed you to your mom and dad. Even though I was so honored to be a part of this process it was incredibly hard. I have helped many parents and handed them their baby, gone to soon but being a NICU nurse didn't prepare me for this. I joined Angels in Waiting 91:4 almost 7 years ago and have been sewing angel gowns all this time-but now I see things in a new light, through the eyes of a grandmother. This was my heart, my granddaughter, my son and my daughter in law. This wasn't supposed to happen, but it did, and here we are 1 year later without you. My heart was broken for all the hopes and dreams they had for you, for the loss of your big sister, your aunts and uncle and cousins. It was broken for me and your grandaddy and the loss of holding you and looking into your eyes. The loss of all the play dates with you, swinging you around, playing barbie and painting your nails. I will miss you forever, but I know one day I will see you whole, running and playing. I think you will have beautiful red hair and blue, blue eyes like your sister. You will be doing somersaults and laughing as your hair blows in the wind. Your sister called you Hazel Nut from the moment she knew about you. She would have been such a good big sister. God has never left and continues to provide healing. I pray in some small way someone will relate to my story and healing will begin. I believe my Hazel is in the arms of Jesus, my savior and He is loving on her. I thank Him for the privilege of being her Bambi. Until we meet again my little Hazel Nut, I love you, my darling.
Your Bambi 

~KayWilson~

Erik’s Story:

Two years ago, on June 15th, 2021, our son Erik, was born at 27.3 weeks. My water broke at 18.5 weeks, I was miraculously admitted to Labor and Delivery. The doctor came in, grave faced and told my husband and I, there were two options for our situation; probably deliver a baby who may or may not be alive in the next 24-48 hours; or have an abortion. We told the doctor abortion was not an option for us and we would, “ride this bus as far as it went”. We told him we were people of prayer who were believing God for a miracle for our son. He nodded and said he hoped for the best of us.

Against all odds, through the miraculous strength of God, I carried Erik to 27 weeks, 3 days. He was born breathing on his own (another miracle) and moved his little arm! The doctors and medical staff were amazed. We had no doubt our son would be the miracle baby talked about for years as he would grow into an amazing adult and change the world.

People around the world were praying for Erik. People we didn’t know would message us and tell us their Bible study in Canada, their church in the U.K., their home group in Israel, were praying for Erik. We were overwhelmed and so, SO grateful! We never doubted our son would come home alive. Even his medical team were planning for his homecoming day. We would walk into his tiny NICU (Neonatal Intensive Care Unit) room and the nurses would say, “Your baby is so present, we never see that with NICU babies.”

On September 2nd, at 8:30am, we got a call that shattered our world forever; Erik had died. “No, NO, NO!” My mind screamed!

My husband and I rushed to the hospital; our favorite nurse rocking his lifeless body; our doctor coming in and telling us he did not see it going this way; even our doctor’s mom had been praying for Erik. There is not an adequate word in the English language to describe the anguish in that moment of the death of our son.

I have always had a very close relationship with Jesus but in this time of pain I found myself so angry I couldn’t speak to Him! The flood of WHY was relentless! One day I could feel the Lord’s presence near; I just knew He was going to drop the hammer and scold me for being so angry and not talking to Him.

“What?!” I angrily said in my heart. “What do YOU want?!”

The Lord quietly whispered to my heart; “Kerrie, I’m patient with grief, you take all the time you need.” Those words broke open a dam of tears and I was overcome by the love of Jesus in a way I didn’t know existed! I began to ask Him, “Why”?

I remember a person I respected saying after losing their father, “If you can get past the WHY, you will move into a realm of intimacy with God you didn’t know existed.” I wanted to will my heart to just “get there”, but that WHY question was so unresolved it was becoming a constant battle to not have an answer to. One day I was wrestling with the WHY question, AGAIN and I said, “Why God!? WHY DID YOU TAKE MY SON!”

And the quiet reply to my heart was, “What if he chose?”

What!? Chose? Erik chose to go to Heaven? THIS was an entirely new perspective! I told my husband and he said, “Kerrie, if Erik chose to go to Heaven, we can’t hold that against him.

About 9 months later a close friend was visiting with her family; they had prayed with us for Erik, and had fasted for Erik and our family when we weren’t able to because of pumping, etc. It meant more than I can say!

One day we were talking and I told her what I felt like the Lord has said to my heart. She said, “Did I ever tell you about what the Lord told me after Erik died?” I shook my head no. My friend then went on to tell me that after Erik had died she mourned as if she’d lost a nephew (we are very close friends); and she asked the Lord, “Was it me, did we not pray enough, could we have done more?”

The Lord showed her a picture of Him showing Erik two pictures: The First was he was a healthy kid who would grow up in a happy, loving home; The second picture was, if Erik went to Heaven (died), his life would impact many people for God’s Kingdom!

I was stunned and overwhelmed and so proud of my son and so amazed at God’s faithfulness, even in the midst of such pain and heartache! 

No two stories are the same; mommas aren’t supposed to lose babies! But the thing I am learning in such a powerful way is the gift God has given us in free choice! He never forces us to do something; He lovingly leads us. He only wants good for us, this very broken world is the cause of sin and evil and chaos and pain. We can choose our own way or we can choose to follow the path of the Lord and the life it brings, even when there’s sorrow or pain.

Ephesians 6:12 (ESV), For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places.

Please know, in your grief, you are seen and you are so loved by your Creator and Father God. Humanity was never designed for death; that came out of broken relationship with God; it’s also why it’s so heavy. If I could wrap my arms around you and give you the biggest, longest hug I would! I am so sorry you have lost a child; it’s not fair, it’s not ok, it’s not right, it’s the awful outcome of a very broken world but, please know; the Spirit of Truth loves you beyond anything else and wants you to know His love and truth in the most real way possible.

There are so many, many things I have learned from my young son’s life, even as I miss him daily and grieve him often. I am learning not to  waste our free choice on anything other than the Spirit of Truth and living from that Truth and that Love; which is only found in Jesus.

~Kerrie Faubert~