Testimony Thursday 2

Tobias-God Is Good

It has not been an easy journey, nearly every day I have questioned Gods actions and his love for me. From a very young age I knew I wanted to become a mum and have a big family. When I fell pregnant everything was falling into place quite seamlessly.
However it was about to take a turn that no one ever expected. The 20 wk scan revealed that baby’s hands and feet had not developed the way they should have done. This triggered numerous scans and appointments in the following weeks each exposing more problems. I prayed for health and continuing hope for me and family in a time of uncertainty.
When Tobias was born at 30+2 weeks he was unable to breathe, we prayed and prayed for nearly 30 minutes. Those 30 minutes were spent crying and begging God to save our baby and make a way for the doctors to incubate him successfully.
It worked.
With a quick squeeze of his hand he was taken away to a specialist hospital where he would live the duration of his life. The most precious 51 days.
51 days flew by in the blink of an eye, a whole lifetime had been and gone. God gave us peace when it was time to say goodbye, I knew in my heart that the decision had to be made to withdraw support and allow him to go to heaven.
The journey since, continues to be difficult but I am constantly praising God for the blessings he pours out onto our family, his unfailing love and giving me the gift of being able to share my story and support other bereaved parents via puzzlepiecesofmyhe.art.
I am still unsure of what the future holds, it remains in his hands, I will continue to trust and have faith in his plan.
-Chainie Jackson-

I am a wife and mother of 3, one being an angel. I have two amazing little girls and was recently pregnant with me and my husbands first boy. I was emotional because I struggled with PPD with out first two so I was nervous for what was to come. We made it to 38 weeks very healthy, but my son had a issue with staying in one position lol. He was between head down and breach my whole pregnancy. At my 38 week appt (Monday, March 30, 2020) everything was perfect no complications what so ever, I was even scheduled to be induced at 39 weeks. Until Thursday, April 2nd, my baby boy, Adonnis, slowed down moving. He had done this before, he went a day without moving once. Then Friday April 3rd I felt him kick at 4 or 5 am not knowing that would be the very last time. So I was nervous after Friday and decided to go to the hospital Saturday morning. When I got there I went to L&D where they put the monitor on my belly and didn't hear anything, they ordered an ultrasound but didn't sat anything. A few hrs later my Ob came and I instantly knew my baby was gone.  We don't know why or how but he was once again breech after being head down for 2 weeks. I delivered our sweet Adonnis, via c-section stillborn April 4, 2020 at 1:24 pm. I didn't know if I wanted to hold him or see him. But once I saw his beautiful face I couldn't help but hold him. I didn't want him to ever leave. Once we let him go to the morgue, being in the hospital with no baby was so hard I cried randomly I missed my sweet boy. My husband had to leave because our girls did not take the news well and with the virus (COVID-19) he couldn't come back and neither could anyone else (I was kind of okay with that, I needed that time). I was alone with only my thoughts. A month later and I still wonder what I did wrong, worry will I forget my son, wondering if I would've went to the hospital Thursday instead of Saturday would my baby be with us, scared to try again. Never did I ever think it would be me. So many decisions come with giving birth to a stillborn which only makes it worse. I had to decide the day of or the day after I gave birth his last resting place. I am angry, sad, mad, hurt, heartbroken, jealous of those who get to enjoy their babies, and so many other emotions I can't even put in to words. I am here for any mama who has lost a little no matter how or when I am here for them! No one should go through this alone, it's tough with a partner so I can only imagine being alone. 

-Kerri B-

Hello my name is Tiffany and in 2017 I found out I was pregnant, it was my 20 week scan I was so excited to find out what we was having but then our would come crashing down when we was told that Oakley had some thing wrong with his little heart after scans and test and so many check ups we was told Oakley had pulmonary atresia, ebstein type abnormaly, TGA-VSD, hypoplasia left ventricle and minal valve, PAPVC. We was told Oakley would not make it to the birth. Doctor’s said we should think about ending the pregnancy but I refused to do so and went on with it. So we got to the date of his birth the 22 of September 2017 we were so happy but doctors said with all the stuff that is wrong with him, he would come out looking blue and finding it hard to breath. We had our beautiful little man and he was born by emergency c section but not blue and crying at the top of his lungs. I was so happy but he was rushed off to PICU for a month later on the 24 October, Oakley had his 1st op we was told he would only be down for maximum 3 hours. I can not explan the feeling of not knowing if your baby would be coming back or not. I sat and cryed the whole time but 3 hours went past and still nothing 9 hours later our little man was brought back to ICU we was told he had to be put back on bypass 3 times as what the surgeons had done, did not work so they had to try other things as they could not bring him round and his heart was not working. But our strong little boy recovered from his op, but again my word come crashing down when they told us Oakley had got a bleed to the brain also his little body was filling with fluids but doctors did there best to help and again. The doctors told us that Oakley had developed cerebral palsy but he keeped fighting on its like nothing would stop him day and night...I was in the ICU with him with hardly any sleep, I did not want to miss a moment with him. On the 19 of November doctors told us Oakley was well enough to come out of ICU and into the cardiac ward. I was so happy we could not believe how Strong our little boy was but being on the ward for an hours Oakley droped once again he stoped breathing and was rushed back down to ICU....doctors brough him back around and we was asked to talk to his doctor. She told us Oakleys body has filled with fluids again and it’s just too much for him! I can not explain the feeling of someone telling you that there is nothing more that can be done...that our strong little boy is not going to be going home, my heart broke. 3 days our strong little boy held on for on the 21 of November 2017 my beautiful little Oakley fell asleep in my arms at 1:22am...the heart ache and pain I felt and nothing could ever take it away! I will love you always and forever mummy brave little angel 💙

-Tiffany Cigdem-

Baby Luke is in Heaven. I’m here on Earth, with my sweet daughter and husband in our own little earthly heaven at home. I’d like to share a little of his story, and I want to thank the many of you who shared our story, prayed with us, and mourned with us.

The day that all of this started was Thursday, April 23. I awoke that morning to what felt like a very painful contraction. I was 36 weeks pregnant. I complained to my husband, then tried to get up out of bed to go to the bathroom. I couldn’t: As soon as I stood up, I felt hot and and sick and clammy and just terrible. I sat on the floor beside my bed and rested my head in my hands. I felt relief for a moment. Then I was aware of my husband sitting beside me, talking to me. He said I had passed out. Then the pain was back--a contraction, but it didn’t go away. I asked him to start timing it. My skin felt cool and damp but I felt so, so hot; I felt a bead of sweat roll down my cheek. My daughter Ellie was awake in the other room and calling, “Daddy! Daddy!” I laid down on the ground, closed my eyes, and couldn’t get up. We called my mom to come help with Ellie. Then I had my husband call my women’s clinic. Once they heard my symptoms, they immediately told him to call ‪911‬. He did so, and before he was off the phone with the dispatcher, they were there. Hands and heads all around me, holding me and helping me. The contraction continued. My mom and Ellie played across the hall. I was strapped to something and carried down the stairs and out into fresh air. The breeze felt good on my skin. A friend had been driving by and had stopped to help with our dog. I heard her voice and opened my eyes briefly.

I don’t remember much of the ambulance ride (I don’t know if I was even conscious for all of it), but I remember being so uncomfortable and so grateful for the help and then thinking about the baby inside me, when the thought came: If this baby dies, I’ll be okay. And as out of place as the thought seemed, I knew it was true. I would be okay. That thought later became a thread of hope and faith that I held to as the trial unfolded.

We arrived at the hospital. I remember a mask being hung on my face. Someone checking my cervix dilation. Needles being placed in my arms and hands and neck. Voices all around me. Someone swearing. Something about my blood. Then the voice of my doctor--a dear friend I’ve come to love and trust. I opened my eyes for a moment and saw her face. Then she was checking me, telling me she had to do an emergency C-section to save my baby’s life. Then I was moving, being wheeled somewhere else. Next, cool gel on my belly--topical numbing. And a mask on my face. Relief that I was going to be unconscious soon. The contraction had never stopped.

When I had arrived at the hospital, my blood pressure was 54/32, low enough that cardiac arrest likely would have followed shortly after. My baby’s heart rate when my doctor checked it was 60 BPM. I was told that if we had waited to come in, things could have been very different.

We arrived during a shift change, when there were two sets of medical staff available to help. I live in a small town with a small hospital that everyone likes to complain about. But that day, the best staff were there. And my doctor was there. On the day of the most physically traumatic event of my life, Heavenly Father let my doctor be there with me. She is the one who stayed with me through hours of pushing during Ellie’s delivery and reassured me throughout that pregnancy that everything would be okay (I met her after three miscarriages, so I was understandably nervous for that whole pregnancy). After Ellie, we became friends. She sends me pictures of her cat, and I text her pictures of the baby she helped deliver. A few months ago I attended her wedding. Relationships are everything to me. This is all to say that having her there meant a lot to me, and God knew that. It was a tender mercy.

Within 60-90 seconds of beginning surgery, the baby was out. He was not breathing. No heartbeat. APGAR score: 0. Nurses, including the head of the birth center, performed chest compressions on him while my doctor was dismayed to discover that my uterus has twisted 180°. She had never even heard of this happening (and, as it turns out, neither had the several other doctors she consulted with after--uterine torsion is very rare, and not a lot is known about it). She thinks the uterine torsion is what caused the placenta to detach, cutting off baby Luke from his life supply of my blood. Meanwhile, the blood pooled inside me. I had lost at least half of my body’s blood and received multiple transfusions of blood and blood products during and after the surgery.

I don’t remember much about when I woke up. It felt like I was entering my own conversation midstream. I was told something non-committal about the baby, that he was alive but in critical condition? I don’t remember. I was in the ICU. I was cold--so cold. They gave me a magical blanket called a Bair hugger that blew warm air over me. I slept.

Baby Luke’s heart began to beat on its own after about 12 minutes of chest compressions, and he was transported to a Level 4 NICU at Tacoma General, a hospital an hour away, where his body was cooled for 72 hours to prevent further brain damage. The transport team brought him into my room so that I could see him before they left. I saw my boy for the first time inside a tiny plastic case through a web of tubes. I didn’t get to touch him. My husband Aaron went to be with him, and my angel sister drove from Idaho to care for me. They allowed her to join me in the ICU, and that evening I was transferred to the birth center, where I slowly began the process of recovery. I could write a whole essay on the beauty of sisterhood and sacrifice that I experienced from my sister. She was an angel on earth. I focused on healing.

My goal soon became to join Luke and Aaron at the NICU by Sunday, when they would begin Luke’s rewarming process. So far, his EEGs had shown little to no brain activity. The hope was that once he was warmed back up, there may be signs of improvement. I was blessed in the hospital by angel nurses, including the same sweet nurse who took care of me all three days after Ellie was born. That alone was a tiny miracle: she works only three days every two weeks. I was there for those very three days with both of my children. Having my doctor and my nurse whom I knew and loved was comforting to me, and I felt my Heavenly Father’s hand in it, letting me know He was aware of me, and He cared. I look back on my time in the hospital as safe, nurturing, and protective. I felt God’s hand in other tiny and tender ways. This knowledge sustained me in the days to come.

By Sunday, I was walking, and after having received a couple more units of blood, I felt much better. I was discharged and released to go be with Luke and Aaron.

My time in the NICU is not something that I can adequately put in words. It was the most difficult crucible I’ve experienced--truly hell-like at moments--as we were asked to make heart-breaking decisions that no parent should ever have to consider. I thought of Abraham and Isaac. I thought of God the Father and His son, Jesus Christ. I hoped and prayed for a miracle, and I knew it was possible, but I had already felt several peaceful whisperings that I would not be taking this baby home. I think of my church’s Bible Dictionary definition of prayer: “Prayer is the act by which the will of the Father and the will of the child are brought into correspondence with each other. The object of prayer is not to change the will of God but to secure for ourselves and for others blessings that God is already willing to grant but that are made conditional on our asking for them.” I knew that ultimately, I had to be willing to trust Him. And I remembered: I will be okay.

The words that had come to my mind were those from the end of the verse: “willing to submit to all things…” ALL things. Not just the first few difficult steps: all things. I felt myself submitting.

Instead of feeling broken, I felt strengthened. There were still challenges and tears, but I knew the Lord was aware of me and that He has a plan for me and my growth. I truly believe that “all things work together for good to them that love God” (Romans 8:28). That is something I entered this trial knowing: I had already seen that to be true in my life. I do trust God. I know that Heavenly Father is loving. He wants me to be happy; He cares about me and my family. He, too, loves little Luke.

I had additional experiences of receiving bits of light and personal revelation. The scriptures provided me guidance and comfort. I found messages for me at that time, and they helped prepare me for hard moments. How grateful I am that we can truly communicate with our Father in Heaven!

Luke’s physical condition did not improve. An MRI confirmed that almost his entire brain, including his brainstem, was profoundly damaged from lack of oxygen. He never opened his eyes, never cried. His body couldn’t even produce basic functions like eyes dilating or shivering. But I was able to hold him, to sing to him, to tell him that I love him and that I wanted to love him more and better. I swabbed his mouth and chapped lips with my breastmilk. I kissed his forehead. It was so soft. His hair was the color of Ellie’s.

We learned that Luke would be eligible to be a tissue donor and possibly share his heart valves with other babies in need. This was a ray of sunshine during a difficult time. We have two nephews who were born with heart defects and have undergone open heart surgeries. I thought of those sweet boys. The thought that another mother’s prayers could be answered through my sweet child’s gift of life brought me a great deal of comfort. Maybe I hadn’t gotten the answer I had hoped for, but someone else could.

‪On Wednesday evening, April 28, we held our baby for the last time. Aaron and I sat close together and cradled him in our arms. I sang to him: “I am a child of God, and He has sent me here, has given me an earthly home, with parents kind and dear. Lead me, guide me, walk beside me; help me find the way. Teach me all that I must do to live with Him someday.” It is the song I sing to our daughter every night before tucking her into bed and kissing her goodnight.‬

I kissed him goodnight. We felt drained, but at peace.

The drive home that night to return to our life and home in Shelton with Ellie truly felt like coming home to heaven. And even though I wish that Luke could be part of our heaven on earth, I feel infinitely grateful for the gift of Ellie: the gift of being a mother. It is the best thing I have ever experienced, and I truly treasure every single day as a mom.

I want you to know how much your love, prayers, and various reaching-outs have blessed and sustained me. The first time I held Luke in my arms, I thought of a piece of artwork I’ve seen. In the image, a woman stands alone. Behind her extend hosts of angels, all reaching out to support her. But in my mind’s version of the picture, she cradled a baby in her arms. I thought of the image and of everyone’s prayers and love, reaching out and holding me. In that moment, I felt that all my earthly angels--the family, friends, medical staff, and complete strangers who were praying for us: you--were there with me, holding me, holding Luke. I continue to be overwhelmed by everyone’s kindness, goodness, and love. Thank you for holding us. Thank you, thank you.

Last of all, I want you to know that I know that God lives. He is real and aware of us and our needs, and He can send us comfort. I am grateful for the infinite and atoning sacrifice of Jesus Christ. He understands. The most intense moments of this trial spanned only a few days, and I know that many of you carry burdens that last much longer. I pray that any of you who are currently suffering may feel continued comfort and strength through the Savior’s sacrifice. Because of Him, through the resurrection our bodies will someday be whole and perfect. I look forward to the day when sweet Luke can have his body fully functioning again. (He was the wiggliest little baby when he was inside of me!) Because families can be together forever, I know I will hold my baby boy again.

I am sharing this in part because although this is a sad experience in many ways, I don’t want it to be only that. I hope that some light and some goodness can come from my son’s tiny and short life. I believe that he would want that. I don’t want it all to be for naught. I pray that I will hold true to the changes I felt within myself during those days in the NICU, and maybe there is someone reading this who is also remembering or realizing what matters most in life. I love you, and I know that God does, too. I have felt His love in part through you. I think of the line from Les Miserables, “To love another person is to see the face of god.”

It is sad that I won’t get to know Luke in this life. I imagine him as a teenager and young adult, tall and serious and funny. Maybe he would have had dimples like his dad; I don’t know. Based on what I knew of him from his time in my womb, I imagine he would have been good at sports. He probably would have loved pizza and cookies and hated vegetables. But I will get to know him someday. And I think I already know a few things about him: I believe He loves His Savior. He loves me. And I think he would be happy to know that I shared his story.

Now you know a little of that story. It is not the whole story, but it is my gift to you, and Luke’s.

-Melissa Miller-

Ari was born at 8:44pm on October 28th, 2019. Sadly, due to a host of unusual health issues, Ari could only stay with us for a short time. He passed before the dawn of February 7th, 2020. Ari lived in the NICU at Sickkids hospital in Toronto, for close to three months. His most life threatening issue was that he was born without a swallow reflex, and to this day the doctors are unsure why. After receiving all treatment options available, he was transferred to Emily’s House (a paediatric hospice centre) where we got to move in with him for two beautiful weeks. We miss Ari so much every single day, but are so grateful we got to experience such profound love!
-Kristen Martin-

Our story, is different, although everyone’s story is different and unique and beautiful. My husband and I got married in September of 2018, shortly after in December we found out we were pregnant, we were both scared and nervous. Everything was good, we were asked about doing genetic testing to look for more common disorders but we declined because we knew it wouldn’t change what we did with the pregnancy. About half way through we went for our regular anatomy scan. That is when we first learned something wasn’t right. Our baby wasn’t  surrounded in fluid that he or she needed to be. My doctor sent us down to Sacramento California for a more in depth ultrasound, there we learned our baby’s kidneys were not working and his lungs were not developing. They told us that our baby wouldn’t survive. They said we can terminate the pregnancy, but they didn’t think I would be able to carry to term because they didn’t think he or she would survive. We come from a very pro life back ground, and I’m not trying to be political, but we talked about and considered our options. We talked to our doctor, I was at no more risk of any other healthy pregnancy. So we carried on, with weekly heartbeat checks. We cherished the time with our baby. It was definitely very emotionally draining carrying a fatal pregnancy, especially when people would ask when your due and all other questions that people ask when your pregnant. But it was worth it. My husband was able to feel him and see him move inside me and that right there alone was worth keeping going. We never had a confirmed diagnosis through the pregnancy, it was always the kidneys are not working and there is no fluid. The baby won’t survive. We prayed and asked God to heal our baby, we also prayed that he would just take the baby now, because it was so emotionally draining and we didn’t want to have to see our baby die. We just prayed and cried for God to get us through because we did not know what to do with this unique life he blessed us with. Ultimately we did not know what the outcome would be only

God knows, so we kept fighting for our boy, keeping the pregnancy was the best option for our baby, it was his best chance at life, we had to keep going for our boy. At 41 weeks I was induced to go in to labor, because there were no signs of me starting labor anytime soon. Everything went great during labor, we couldn’t of asked for a more smoother delivery process. We decided not to have heart monitors on my belly because we didn’t want to know if he passed because we thought it would be even more heartbreaking and if we did, the whole time we would anxiously be waiting for his heart to stop. Our baby was a fighter, not only did he make it to full term, he survived birth for a few minutes, minutes that we would have never gotten if we stopped the pregnancy. For him to survive natural labor and that process with his under developed lungs, was a miracle. He definitely beat the odds the doctors gave him. He was born August 7, 2019 and passed the same day. His name is Henry Keith Lydon.  

After some dna testing done on our son after he was born, we found out he had Fraser syndrome. We got our dna lookers at and my husband and I are both carriers for it. We still haven’t decided what we are going to do. Wether we try again or not. We are also considering adopting.

-Jessica Ruste-

On the 5th of February 2018 Darren and his partner, Kathleen’s gorgeous little girl, Mia was born sleeping at 33 weeks. Mia was born, perfect and beautiful, but without breath. Darren and his partner Kathleen were excitedly awaiting the arrival of their daughter, when Kathleen noticed her daughters movements had changed. Unaware that this was a sign of a baby in potential distress, but still concerned that something was different, Darren and Kathleen went into hospital a day later. They were met with words that would change their life forever; THERE IS NO HEARTBEAT. Darren has chosen to raise awareness and honour Mia by sharing her story, speaking her name and educating others to ensure that change is made in reducing stillbirth numbers.

https://youtu.be/yQygQS003uQ

-Darren Hasley-

My world came crashing down around me after hearing the words "there is no heartbeat". I was immediately paralyzed and overwhelmed with silence. My First child, Ivyanna Salene Fields, was stillborn on November 13, 2003. I was 36 weeks pregnant and had no complications. My pregnancy was completely normal. I went to all my prenatal appointments. All the ultrasound and anatomy scans were normal. I was 21 years old, a junior in college and hundreds of miles away from my family. I thought God was punishing me for getting pregnant out of wedlock and other decisions that I made with my body. Ivyanna's sweet sixteenth birthday is this year and God has been faithful even though I cursed, shouted and turned my back on his word for a while. I'm so glad he never left me, watched over me and waited for me with open arms. I never imagined, during my pregnancy, that I would have to deliver my daughter sleeping. She was born silent into this world but her little life spoke volumes.

1 in 4 women will experience a pregnancy or infant loss. Unless we talk about stillbirth, we will never break the taboo, or help families who have experienced it know that they are not alone. I am thankful for my journey and I am at a place now to share and help others as they ride the waves and break their silence. I was inspired by this traumatic experience to create a nonprofit organization, Stillborn and Infant Loss Support (SAILS), to honor the love, life and legacy of my precious angel Ivyanna Salene. You can follow our healing journey on Facebook & Twitter @bornintosilence and Instagram @_bornintosilence. Our website is www.bornintosilence.org

-Sadija A. Smiley-

I am the mummy to my angel son Harrison Jay Paul. 

I was over the moon when I first found out I was pregnant with Harrison. After being diagnosed with PCOS, I was told I may struggle to have children. My pregnancy was going perfect and my son was very healthy. Unfortunately I was diagnosed with severe preeclampsia that was missed by the midwives. Harrison was born at 30 weeks + 2 days. He was kept in neonatal care his whole life and was growing stronger and stronger every day. We arrived at the hospital on 20/02/2020 to find our baby Harrison covered in vomit and not breathing. The nurses had not checked on him so me and his dad found him. He was resuscitated and we prayed he would make it through but unfortunately he was too ill and died in our arms 💔 He died from a condition called NEC. We have created the most beautiful forever bed for him and try and honour him in every way possible. 

In the space of 14 months I have lost my Dad, Son & Nanna. I hope me & my family will be able to find peace and have some joy and luck coming our way. 

-Alanah Mcloughlin -

I am momma to angel Lyla Ann.
(warning a little graphic)
4/13/18 I found out I was pregnant with my first child, it was scary but so exciting. At every ultrasound I grew more and more anxious to be a mom. Half way through my first trimester I started leaking this brown fluid. I called my ob and the nurse told me it was just old blood and that there was nothing to worry about. I believed them.  My little baby looked so good until our anatomy scan at 16 weeks. I found out I was having a little girl, but I also found out she was measuring too small and that my fluid was really low. I had to go back in for another anatomy scan and an amniocentesis, after they were done they left the fluid in the room with me while they got the doctor, my amniotic fluid was black and it’s supposed to be clear. turns out the entire time I was leaking amniotic fluid. things just went down there from there. I started bleeding so bad it would pool at my feet. I was in and out of the hospital and they told me I was having a threatened miscarriage, if she was born they would only keep her comfortable until she passed. They pumped me full of fluids but the bleeding would come right back within days, this lasted until I went into preterm labor at 22 weeks. We went to a different hospital hoping they could save my baby but when they did the ultrasound her heartbeat was only 80 and was fading and about 30 mins later, my precious baby girl was born, but not alive. She is turning 2 in less than a month (8/6/18). I miss my sweet girl so much. since I was young I kept my story hidden for awhile, minus close friends and family. This is my journey to honoring my daughter, and sharing loss, love, grief, pregnancy after loss, and everything in between. thank you!

-Clelia Ann-

We had to say, see you later to our angel baby way too soon. It’s not a good bye but a see you later because I know our baby is safe with Jesus now. 

We went into our first prenatal appointment at my 8 week mark and my doctor told us she couldn’t hear a heartbeat. My heart stopped and everything started to get blurry after that. The doctor kept talking to me, but I couldn’t remember what she said. All I could remember over and over again in my head was , I don’t heart a heartbeat. 

After 3 consecutive bloodworks done in the span of only 7 days, my doctor finally confirmed what I already knew in my heart that we miscarried and our baby stopped growing at about the 6 week mark. 

Never would I wish this upon anyone. To lose someone whom you love so much but haven’t met yet, is something that is hard to explain to someone who has never experienced this. Being pregnant for the first time and then having to lose your first baby so quickly, is emotionally traumatic and something I will forever remember and never forget. Although I am slowly healing and grieving with Gods help. 

I’m not sure why God called our baby back home to Heaven so soon. I felt this was a dream because it happened so quick and got taken away from us even sooner. We have both been leaning on our faith throughout our loss and that is what has been holding us together. I know in God’s timing, we will have our family that we’ve always prayed for. Until then, I will choose to still believe. -

-Emma Maldonado-

My story 

This isn’t a pregnancy announcement, although I wish it was. We lost our sweet baby on 6/30/20. If you have been following me for a while you know that as someone who has suffered with anxiety&depression, I only share my struggles& experiences in hopes that in result of my vulnerability I can help bring peace into someone else’s journey. I didn’t think this story was one that needed to be shared, but then I realized how many more people have experienced a miscarriage than I had ever thought! Why is this such a “hush hush” topic? Why are we not allowed to celebrate our babies like we would with any other baby? I am a mother to a perfect, precious baby that is worthy of being celebrated! Stop treating this like it’s something that we shouldn’t be talking about! 

On the 29th My husband drove me to the ER&he left me with the nurse after they told him that he couldn’t enter the hospital due to COVID. It was just me & an empty hospital room. I remember praying. Praying that I could please keep my baby. I remember saying that this isn’t fair. I cried over the thought of losing our baby. The dr walked in&told me that they were about to do an ultrasound on me. He left&I continued to pray. As I said my final prayer I remember feeling that I needed to change my prayer. My prayer quickly went from “I need this, I deserve this, you can’t take this away from me” to “thy will be done, lord. You know what’s best for me, &I trust you.” After I changed my prayer, I felt nothing but peace. More peace than I have ever felt in my entire life. My experience was hard, but during that prayer I was reminded of who I needed to lean on.When I had officially lost the baby I knew that for some reason my baby needed to go&be with Jesus. I may not fully understand why until I go to heaven, but I am CHOOSING to trust the plan. 1 in 4 women experience a miscarriage, that’s a lot of us!you are not alone! it is okay to want to share about your precious baby! I know that I couldn’t have gotten through it without my Heavenly Father.I called out to him at the darkest of times&he gave me endless amounts of peace. I promise he will do the same for you ❤️ 

Don’t be ashamed of your story.I am 1 in 4.🌈

-Camille Walker-

Hello! My name is Ashley Wideman and my daughter passed away several months ago. Last summer I received news at 23 weeks that my daughter I was pregnant with had a condition that was incompatible with life. She was given the diagnosis of alobar holoprosencephaly, which is a severe brain defect that occurs just a few weeks after conception. We had no idea that this was even possible and we were beyond heartbroken and devastated. Since that day I am forever changed. We knew that we needed to be strong for whatever was to come. My husband and I prayed and talked nonstop for days and we knew that we needed to continue to carry our baby girl. We tried our hardest to treat the pregnancy as if it were like any other pregnancy and just enjoy our time with her. We did genetic testing and found out that she had many chromosomal anomalies that shocked our genetic counselor and left her confused and unable to explain how this happened. Allison had something called mosaic tetraploidy, she had tetrasomy X, trisomy 5, and mosaicism in her 22nd chromosome. My husband and I did not carry any genes that caused this defect, it was just completely random. I knew from that point on in the pregnancy (I was about 30 weeks) that my daughter was a miracle and it was a gift that she was still with us. My mindset changed from being sad and depressed to being thankful that I was still carrying my baby. Her anatomy was completely normal except for the brain deformity and she had cleft lip and palate and no nose. We were so thankful for any time that we were able to get with her. The neonatologist said that she would probably be stillbirth or she would die very shortly after I gave birth. My water broke at 35 weeks and I gave birth to a crying, sweet little 5 pound 15 ounce angel. She was the most beautiful angel I have ever seen. So dainty and pretty and sweet. With the faintest little cry. We were shocked that she was alive and that we got to actually meet her  We came to the hospital without a car seat or any supplies because we were told that we wouldn’t be able to take her home. Well we had to have a family member bring us a car seat to the hospital because we got discharged and we took our baby home. That was an absolute miracle. We had hospice care bring us supplies like an oxygen machine and feeding tubes etc and they came each day Allie was alive to check on her. They were amazed at her strength, and ours. Allison lived for 9 days. She passed away on November 23, 2020 which was my husbands birthday. The 9 days we had with her were absolutely magical. She was so alert and happy and made the sweetest sounds. She passed away in our home, I was holding her and rocking her in her nursery. After Allison passed, we laid her on the changing table to clean her up and a ray of sun came through the clouds and made her face light up. That day was a dark, rainy and cloudy day. But at that moment, her face shone like the brightest thing I’ve ever seen. I turned around and looked through the window and the sun was shining through a perfect round opening in the sky. At that moment, I knew the Lord was telling me that He had Allison with him and she was ok. That was the most miraculous thing I’ve ever witnessed. Our experience was so beautiful and so heartbreaking. We are so sad that our daughter is no longer physically with us but we have so much joy that we had that sweet time with her and that she is no longer in pain. ♥️ 

Thank you for reading!

Love, 

-Ashley Wideman_

I was asked to give my testimony regarding my heavenly babies.  I have 8 dear heavenly babies and 5 children on earth.  When I had my first 2 children I completely took healthy pregnancies for granted.  After my first 2 children, I had 5 miscarriages (2 sets of twins & a single baby).  When I started to spot with my first miscarriage, I felt alarmed but tried to reassure myself that spotting was normal for some ladies even though it wasn’t normal for me. I will never forget that day. I walked to a ladies’ bible study pushing my 2 little ones in a double stroller. It was a beautiful day and I was in denial about the spotting, I just tried to ignore it.  Once all the kids were situated, we started the study but I couldn’t focus and I finally blurted out, “I think I am having a miscarriage”. The sweet ladies there prayed with me and sang the sweetest song & minutes later I started cramping and ran to the bathroom. Everything came out like a tidal wave, I started shouting for my friend and she came running to the bathroom.  There was so much blood and my heart was racing, I looked down an saw the tiniest baby in all the blood.  After things settled a bit, my friends called my husband and he brought me home. At that time we decided not to go to the hospital as we were sure we had miscarried and just needed time to recover.  Later that evening I passed out and fell on the floor. The ambulance took me to the hospital. They gave me fluids and a few ultrasounds and confirmed that I had a miscarriage and told me that I just need to go home and rest. At home, the bleeding continued, including large clots and we knew something wasn’t right. After passing a lot of clots and collapsing in bed my husband came to me and gently said “I think your bleeding will slow down now, you just passed another baby.” It was at that time we realized we lost twins. The hospital didn’t detect the other baby in the ultrasound. The bleeding did slow down and we grieved the loss of our 2 babies & we were so grateful for the 2 children we already had. Our church family came around us immediately and loved us in so many ways, both practically (with meals, cleaning, child care) and support through prayers, visits and notes of encouragement.  Through it all, I never blamed God, I actually felt closer to him and he was my rock and my comfort.

Fast forward 1 month later when I got my period without missing a beat. It shocked me, I thought I would have a longer stretch before my cycle returned but I found out this is normal. We got pregnant again a few months later and I was excited but very nervous. I couldn’t go to the bathroom without glancing down to see if there was blood.  When I felt anxious I would pray and God would calm my heart. Then one day I saw the blood and we miscarried again, one baby.  A few months later I was pregnant again and very apprehensive. I felt like I was just waiting for “it” to happen again but I continued to pray and I repeated silently, “I trust you God, I trust you”.  We miscarried again and it was twins. During this season of loss, a few of my very dear friends miscarried also, it was very sad time and we had heavy hearts but we were clinging to God and he brought us comfort.

After losing these 5 babies, the midwives ran some tests and it seemed that my progesterone was too low which was causing the miscarriages. The instructed me to start on progesterone as soon as I became pregnant again and that is what we did.

When I was pregnant for the 4th time (since my first 2 children) I took the progesterone & I was extremely apprehensive and continued to pray and & trust God. This time there was no spotting and when I got past the first trimester I felt hopeful but it was still in the back of my mind.  I went full term and my son Joseph was born, a true rainbow baby after 5 losses. However, his birth was quite traumatic and we thought we lost him.  We were dealing with extreme shoulder distotia and when he came out his cord ripped off and he wasn’t breathing. As this was all happening I was quite sure I was dying and I remember thinking I would see God soon.  Once he was born, we prayed “Lord, please, you didn’t bring him this far to take him, please Lord.” And God breathed life into him. We were rejoicing.

Following Joseph’s birth I had 2 more precious rainbow babies and then I had 3 more miscarriages.  After the last 3 miscarriages my husband prayed “please Lord, don’t allow Lisa to get pregnant again unless we have the joy of meeting the baby” and I didn’t get pregnant again. Just to give some perspective on it all, I was 34 when I had my first baby and 46 when I had the last 3 miscarriages and I knew that my age was probably a factor in the later miscarriages but I also knew that God heard our prayers.

Fast forward to today, we have a full life with our 5 earthly children. Our youngest is 9 and our oldest 19.  A few years ago I started working for a friend who has an Etsy shop and she sold family prints, some of the prints were for loss families. Right away I asked her if I could take care of the loss orders and minister to the sweet loss families.  After a few years a website was set up specifically for loss orders and I had the opportunity to take it over. It is called A Beautiful Remembrance. Last year we also opened an Etsy Shop selling loss products.  Running these 2 little shops has been a tremendous privilege & blessings. Everyday I have the opportunity to minister to sweet families who have lost babies. Sometimes I can hardly believe this is a job because it is such a privilege and honor.  I know these shops are by God’s hand and I trust that he directs people my way. We have also set up a prayer ministry called Heavenly Birthdays and we post these Heavenly Birthdays daily on social media and ask people to join us in prayer. Our Heavenly Birthday lists continue to grow and its our privilege to pray for these families and honor their heavenly babies.  We also offer some free personalized digital files available to any loss family. 

-Lisa Giordano-

This is my testimony. I found out I was pregnant in April of 2020, I was 17 weeks and 1 day, this was my 3rd pregnancy/child. At first I was sad, because it wasn’t expected, I was on birth control and never had a “scare” while on it, then covid-19 had just hit really hard, I just wasn’t ready to be a mother of 3 (be careful what you ask for). I believe that’s why I tend to blame myself, for having that mindset back then but eventually I had accepted things for what they were, everything was going good, I was enjoying my pregnancy no matter the circumstances. I never imagined the worse of the worse would happen to me, my previous pregnancies were full term and they were healthy babies. But then on September 2, 2020 at 37 weeks and 5 days (18 days before my “due date”) my life took a turn for the worse. I knew something wasn’t right, I felt off, my son would always move day and night but this particular morning he wasn’t moving. I didn’t want to be “that mom” and panic but I couldn’t let it go. I ended up going to the hospital, it felt like eternity but after checking for a heart beat 3 different times, I was told my son was no longer alive, there was no heart beat. So many emotions and thoughts crossed my mind, they still do. My son was gone, my world felt like it had fallen apart and then being told you will have to deliver him as if everything was normal, even after giving birth to him I had hope that he would cry, but he was born silent.

A little over 4 months have gone by and everyday I STILL think of him, STILL miss him, STILL love him. He was the piece that completed my little family, I try to understand why situations like this happen, I have my good and bad days, but God is a faithful God, who without him or my daughters I don’t know where I would be. My son, Luciano is in heaven but he will live on through me. I will speak of him because he is still a very big part of my life.

-Dania Meza- 💙